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Very late night musings….

Sometimes, I think relationships for me are always about someone falling for the idea of who I might be, who I could possibly be in the future, or who I was sometime in my past that might make a reappearance. I think this because it’s easy for me to start relationships, to find people who are interested and profess love and admiration, but once it’s 6 months or a year or two into things, life seems more about “No, you’re wrong.” and “I don’t agree with your way of looking at things”.

It’s harder to just be myself, without the feeling of disappointing someone who wasn’t quite aware who that person was, whose subtext is always, “I didn’t know you were like that” and “You’re hard for me to figure out.”

It’s easier to be quiet, to neglect pieces of myself that don’t quite fit the picture, to not mention that after all this time, I’m still an incurable romantic who just wants that end-all-be-all connection with someone who just gets me; who clicks, and connects, and understands, and still likes me in the process.

Every relationship I’ve ever been in, as time passes, I start to hide myself…or at least, the pieces of myself that don’t seem worthy of commentary, or I deem too uninteresting for another person to care about. And, inevitably, I grow farther and farther apart from that other person, until it occurs to me that I’m still looking for that connection I’m at least partially responsible for making sure doesn’t happen.

I think that’s why I’ve had such struggles with ideas like monogamy and commitment in my life; they’re so wrapped up with this idea of losing myself, hiding myself because it’s easier than openly addressing the fact that the person you’re with might not “get” you in the particular way you need to be understood and related to. It’s easier than seeing that you run from relationships, make yourself unavailable because part of you is always chasing something—something that’s this elusive ideal and may not even exist, and most people know not to look for or expect, but you just can’t quite give up on.

I can’t give up on the idea that I don’t want so many of the little things I do or say or think or believe to become less endearing and more annoying as time passes. I can’t give up on the idea that the right person for me is someone who knows and appreciates who I am on some fundamental level, and as a result, finishes my sentences and knows what I’m thinking even when I don’t say it out loud, and still thinks I’m adorable. I don’t think I’ve ever found that, and logically, I know I shouldn’t need that. But I do.

So much of the time, I feel like there’s someone else in my life—-friends, parents, significant others—who tell me what I think, feel, say, and do is wrong, no matter what. Sometimes, I feel as if the world tells me I’m wrong just for being me, and I should work on being someone a little entirely different, something I’ve never quite figured out.

I don’t want being loved for who I truly am to be a compromise another person makes to make things work; an “in spite of”, when it should be a “because”. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone else but me.

On the other hand, consistently having relationships with people who are my emotional opposites, or with whom I don’t share as many common interests as I’d ideally like in a relationship, probably makes this issue harder for me to deal with. I know I’m very rarely the only one who feels misunderstood. :(

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