I feel like I don’t really, truly know anything anymore. It’s the kind of thing where you think your life is one way, and then a huge bomb is dropped, and you can’t trust anything you think you know about your life anymore.
On Sunday, I had a confrontation/episode with the mother of The Guy I Am Currently Dating. It was an awful experience, in which she put me down repeatedly, bashed a good friend of mine, and told me horrible things about her son that may or may not be true.
Among the things she said to me were that I am too needy, and nobody likes that about me, including her son. She accused me of always disrupting her life and bothering her son with my problems, which he has no idea how to handle, and it’s inappropriate of me to put those off on other people. Her exact words were “Maybe that’s why all those guys in the past dumped you, because you’re so needy?”
She then told me the only reason The Guy I Am Currently Dating was with me was because he was afraid to approach the kind of girls he was really attracted to and wanted to be with, and so he had to take what he could get. In addition, she hinted that there are a lot of things I don’t know about, and if I did, I wouldn’t want to be with him, and that perhaps he’s still involved in those mysterious “things I don’t know about”.
In the past, she’s told me that I spend too much time with her son, am negatively impacting his health, that I need to break up with him and marry a rich guy, that I’m too young and immature for him, that I’m a burden because I don’t have a successful career or health insurance and my family life isn’t stable, that I’m irrational for being afraid to drive, that I’m never moving into her house, and will never be a part of her family. She’s blamed me for causing her to go to the hospital, having anxiety, and told me that I am contributing to her developing cancer and heart disease, and that her son fights with her all the time because of me.
As it turns out, I’m too incredibly nice and WAAAAAY too well-adjusted for being a part of her family. It makes time with my own family, which is generally less than amiable and enjoyable, look like a fucking picnic.
As a result of all this, I want absolutely nothing to do with her. Maybe she has problems, maybe she’s just old, and maybe she’s just really mean. Regardless, it’s not something I need in my life.
Problem is, The Guy I Am Currently Dating will have a relationship with her until the day she dies. And for that long of a period of time, she will be interfering in our relationship and making sure there’s no future beyond what we have now. We can never live together, get married, or move away without her having heart palpitations and perhaps taking routine trips to the emergency room. And I doubt that, in this situation, I’ll ever come first. I don’t think The Guy I Am Currently Dating will ever tell his mother that he’s an adult, and he’s not a child for her to coddle anymore, and he needs to separate himself from her….and that’s 100% necessary if we’re going to continue to have a relationship.
I don’t, logically or emotionally, see a happy ending to this story. I feel hurt—hurt that even when I find someone who might possibly be right for me, someone else is there to keep us apart, someone he will always care about and value and prioritise more. I feel distrustful, because I wonder if the things she said about me are true, or the things she said about him are true, or if he really feels the way about me she claims he does. I’m tempted to believe it, since we’ve been together for 3 years, and not only has there never been talk about us living together, getting married, or making other joint plans for the future, he seems fairly happy for things to continue as they are forever.
I’ve been through this before. I dated the Southern guy with Mommy issues, and it was clear that her not liking me meant I’d never seriously be the right one, and even if I were, she’d always be in my life, putting me down and making me feel horrible about myself. I dated the commitment-phobic guy who, after 2 years, told me he didn’t want to live together and he never wanted to get married, and he wanted to continue to see other people.
I’m afraid that now I’m in a relationship with someone who has both of those issues, and after 3 years, if it’s necessary for us to part company, I know it’s going to be one of the most painful things I’ve had to deal with in a long time. But if it is, if I’m with someone and we don’t have a future together, I know I deserve to know that now, and so does he. I can’t just hang out in limbo and hope for the best…and find out that in 2 or 4 or 10 years, we’re in the same place. That just isn’t right for me, and I can’t be expected to just wait and see if things work themselves out.
I feel like I don’t know anything anymore, and I can’t trust anyone. And I *do* wonder what’s wrong with me, why I can’t just find a person who wants the same things I want, treats me the right way, doesn’t cheat, lie, or steal, and doesn’t let anyone put me down. I wonder why, after all this time, relationships aren’t any easier for me.
I moved away from NYC, in part, because I was afraid of ending up single, in my 30′s or 40′s, bitter, jaded, and like the women on “Sex And The City”. I wanted some distance between some difficult relationships and an uncertain career path and my future. It seems I could have stayed put, and lived in a much better city for me, since it seems that’s exactly what happened. As always, everything I wanted to avoid followed me, and my life has turned into exactly what I didn’t want.
And, a decade later, it seems I still can’t trust anyone, not even myself.