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The Law Of Un-Attraction…

Although I’m happily in a relationship, I do have to admit that I rather miss the days when emotions such as disinterest and indifference were not the standard reactions my presence evoked from other people, particularly the male members of my social circle.

Perhaps I’ve lost a bit of my charm and youth and vitality over the years, but there’s still plenty there to not be indifferent about.

Somehow, I feel as if I’ve lost my ability to fascinate and interest others and draw them into my world, and that’s never anything I had to work to achieve. It would simply happen. Social events were never work, never draining affairs.

These days, in large groups and social situations, that magical natural gravitation that ensures others are interested in knowing me, or knowing me better, does not always happen…and I sometimes feel invisible.

It may seem shallow, but it hurts when you can no longer take for granted that you’re the most compelling person with whom to converse, and others demonstrate vis a vis their behaviour that perhaps you’re not.

Throughout my life, I’ve never been the kind of girl relegated to sitting quietly in the corner, while attractive and interesting people talk amongst themselves. In fact, if nobody is paying attention to me, I often see it as a cue to leave, because I feel as if the people around me will manage just fine without my presence.

The older I become, the more often I feel this way.

I’m not certain I know how to accept that particular role with dignity and grace, and thus, I greatly dislike feeling ignored. Perhaps that’s what happens to women once they’ve hit 30, and lost their joie de vivre. They are meant to gracefully retire from occupying the centre of attention whenever possible.

But, indifference and disinterest make me feel exactly like the sort of person I am: an aging, insecure performer without an audience.

There are very few people or groups of people who truly make me feel wanted these days. On the contrary, I spend a good deal of time feeling largely irrelevant.

Perhaps, in a certain way, I’m happier in seclusion, where I’m the most relevant and interesting person in the room, because nobody else is here, and the television does not count as a person. :P

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