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Thank Heavens For Whoever Created Valium….

As some of you may have noticed on my overly dramatic Facebook posts, this week has been anything but stellar. At the beginning, I actually had high hopes for the week: a ton of fun stuff to do last weekend, this week, and a visit from an old friend I’ve never actually met (but that’s another story for another time.)

However, the drama seemed to explode when I found out I may need a new place to live on little notice. Meanwhile, I’ve been dealing with a chronic illness, difficult anxiety attacks, costly medical bills, too many feelings about too many things that just shouldn’t be there, and needing to work as much as possible to make up for a pay cut earlier in the year. I am fairly exhausted, physically and mentally, but trying my best to keep up.

My roommate happens to owe my boyfriend a bit of money. The drama started on Sunday, when The Guy I Am Currently Dating got very irritable at me, and it turned out that he was frustrated over my roommate not paying him back, and taking his frustration out on me. I mentioned to my roommate that this was an issue, and he needed to communicate with The Guy I Am Currently Dating about it.

He did, but unfortunately, ended the communication with something to the effect of “If you want your money back, you can feel free to sue me, but you won’t get anything.” Not exactly a great way to deal with a friend who’s lent you money to help you through bankruptcy, fix your car, and keep you from getting evicted.

I then de-friended my roommate on FB, telling him that until he could treat me and others I care about with the respect deserved, I couldn’t consider him part of my friend circle. Later that day, World War Three erupted with him threatening to cancel the lease at the end of the month (my name is not on the lease, and due to some personal challenges in my past, I likely cannot rent an apartment.). I countered with, “If that’s the way you feel about it, for the rest of the month, don’t use anything in this apartment that’s mine” (which is nearly everything, including all the furniture not in his bedroom.) When he informed that wasn’t going to happen and laughed in my face, I became very angry about the lack of respect I was being shown…and his response was “Well, Alayna, you can just get the fuck out now. Pack your stuff and go.”

Nobody can move an entire apartment, plus furniture and dog, in a day…particularly when they’re sick and broke. I didn’t know what to do, so The Guy I Am Currently Dating came over to try to keep things from escalating to a violent, police-needing-to-be-called level. As it turns out, my roommate is stressed over money and feels he can’t afford to live here anymore. Since I am too sick and broke to move, I told him I would continue to pay whatever he couldn’t afford. Then he mentions that he has family that will let him live with them for next to nothing, and he really just doesn’t want to live in the apartment anymore. I subsequently offered to sublease it from him, giving me a place to live and saving him the expense of the apartment and breaking the lease. I pointed out that I lived here for months alone when he was in Texas working, and paid all the bills on time, never had a single complaint against me, and kept the apartment much the same as when he was here. I’m not perfect, but I’m a fairly decent grown-up sometimes.

Today, he sat down with The Guy I Am Currently Dating to discuss why he didn’t want to do this. He basically wants to sever ties and responsibilities, and this made me very upset. I pointed out how he was basically putting me out on the street, being too sick and broke to move, and not exactly portable enough to Couchsurf around ATL anymore (I’m not 22 and all my shit doesn’t fit in a duffel bag.). He didn’t seem to understand this, and suggested that The Guy I Am Currently Dating take over the lease for me. That idea didn’t go over well, either, and I ended up having an anxiety attack and crying because I felt like these men I’d gone out of my way for and treated really well were just willing to throw me to the wolves.

I don’t have a lot of alternatives. I don’t have family I can stay with, I don’t have health or money, I don’t have the required things people need to live as an adult, and I have a boyfriend I can’t move in with, live with, or really have any future with because his mother lives with him and always will…and her favourite activities include bitching about my perfume, my psychotic behaviour, my trashy and gold-digging ways, my curvy body shape, my red hair, and the fact that I am alternately Casey Anthony, psycho, the Devil, and a person who should die so I can come back with a soul.

Are there questions about why my anxiety is at the level where I now need to be medicated? I think they’ve been answered.

Tonight’s conversation culminated in my roommate saying he didn’t owe me anything, he wasn’t throwing me out, just doing what was best for me, and if the Guy I Was Currently Dating actually cared about me, he wouldn’t have an issue signing a lease for me. I pointed out that no matter how he put it, he was doing what was best for him and leaving a so-called friend out to dry, dumping the burden of the situation on the shoulders of others. He did not seem to understand this, and why I was so upset.

He then pointed out I had threatened to kill myself multiple times in the past, he had proof, and was calling 911 and the police to get me taken away. He said I should take my dog and leave for the night because he wouldn’t be responsible for me harming myself in his home. (I’ve lived here for over 2 years. I’m still alive.) I told him I couldn’t take the dog to a hotel, it was 1 AM so all my friends were asleep, and The Guy I Am Currently Dating suggested this was just a ploy to get me to willingly vacate the premises without my belongings. When I told him I couldn’t go because I couldn’t move all my things at 1 AM, he told me if I didn’t go he’d call the police and report me for creating a domestic disturbance.

When I pointed out that he was creating the disturbance, that I’d paid my rent on time, covered the bills he didn’t, and was entitled to be here, he said, “No, you’re not. Your name isn’t on the lease, so basically, you have no rights. You and your dog need to get out or I’m calling the cops.”

I’d like to point out that this person has been a “friend” for years. When nobody wanted him at their parties, I got him invites. When my friends didn’t want to deal with him, I stood up for him. When he took off and left me in the wind to hang out in Texas for months, promising to pay his bills, which he didn’t…I took care of them. In return, he took the money I sent him for rent, didn’t pay rent for two months, and called The Guy I Am Currently Dating to tell him to tell me I was getting evicted the next day. Fortunately, that didn’t happen, and when my roommate returned from Texas, promised to turn over a new leaf.

And I gave him yet another chance. At various points, people suggested that I should just not pay the rent, use the 30 days or so to find myself a new situation, and let him fend for himself. I didn’t because that’s not who I am. I couldn’t be at peace with that. Back then, I wasn’t sick, and had the money to move. I did not. Eventually, I even accepted him back into my circle of friends. I encouraged some of my closest friends, who hated him for treating me so badly, to try to accept and forgive him.

I’m a believer in second chances. I’ve done some things I’m not so proud of, paid some harsh consequences in life, and don’t believe those mistakes permanently define me. It would be hypocritical to think another person couldn’t make a change for the better, as well.

And things did get better, for awhile…until all hell broke loose. I’ve had more panic attacks this week than in the past month. I’ve felt more depressed, hopeless, and alone than I have in months. I simply can’t handle the stress and conflict. I’m not suicidal, but not because I don’t wish there were an easy way out..but because there’s always been too much of a fighter in me to take it.

Meanwhile, I’m facing a roommate I once mistakenly thought was a friend throwing me out, his best friend calling me up to defend him and blaming me for the situation, a guy I’m dating who won’t be able to do the right thing by me and obtain the freedom he needs for us to live together and have an actual committed relationship (while he was driving over here to prevent the police from being called, his mother called my phone, and mentioned how my perfume makes her ill, how I’m killing him with my cosmetic products, how his health is suffering because I expect him to go out with me on non-weekend nights, and basically what an evil horrible person I am.)

I’m just so tired of being beaten down, and I know in my heart, I don’t deserve this. I’ve made some mistakes in my life, but I am a good person. I put others before myself, and I seem to get screwed over a lot by not protecting myself as I should. I used to be far more opportunistic and self-protective, and hurt too many people in the process, and I discovered at a certain point in life that it wasn’t who I was. It was who I was trying to be so I wouldn’t get hurt..and it didn’t work.

But neither does caring. Neither does showing love and compassion and offering second chances and waiting for people to do right by you.

There are few people in the world who will ever genuinely love you, and have the words, feelings, and actions to prove it. Very few friends are truly friends. Most will stab you in the back at a moment’s notice.

And I feel so weak because I am so consistently *hurt* by this, even though I know better. I know the world isn’t this idealistic place I’ve created in my head…it’s cut-throat, and mostly lacking in compassion and empathy. It’s every person for himself.

Maybe i’m just not strong enough to survive that kind of world…and I wish I were. I wish I didn’t get emotionally attached to people I have no reason to feel an attachment to, or give second, third, and fourth chances to people who make the same choices, or wait around for a guy who isn’t ever going to choose a world where we can be free and together and I can be me.

I *like* being me. It hurts terribly to know the rest of the world doesn’t like it nearly as much. But I like who I am, who I have the potential to be, and I don’t deserve to be treated the way I have been. And, yet, there’s little I can do.

So, no, I doubt my anxiety will be cured anytime soon. And I may want to start looking at living options other than Atlanta…it’s a big world out there, and the reason I’ve stayed in a city I dislike is because of the number of friends I’ve made here, and my relationship.

And, suddenly, I don’t see a single thing working out well for me….in the way I get to be free, independent, happy, secure, loved, and most of all, allowed to be who I am without constant judgment, being screamed at, and being torn down.

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