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Stop The Roller Coaster…I Want To Get Off.

Without a doubt, the past week has been one of the craziest and most emotional I’ve had in a long time. The surprise is that, for the most part, my health and emotional stability have held up to the stress in a fairly intact way, although my resting pulse is extraordinarily high (even on medication), indicating the anxiety and lack of sleep have gotten to me a bit.

For those who don’t follow me on Facebook, most of last week was consumed by roommate drama, alternating between discussions about me moving out in the near future and stuff that isn’t working to threats that if I didn’t get out of the apartment at 1 AM with all my stuff/dog (really, where am I going to go?), the police and 911 would be called. These also ended up with The Guy I Am Currently Dating coming on over at various points in time, both to defend me and to talk my roommate into some sort of rational behaviour.

Someone apparently let my roommate know about the law after he told me “You’re not on the lease, you don’t have any rights except the ones I give you when it comes to living here”. He refused to sublease the apartment to me for the remaining 9 months, saying he doesn’t wish to have any ties to people. (although he does owe The Guy I Am Currently Dating a substantial bit of money, and I’d consider that a tie/obligation.) Instead, he put the whole situation on my boyfriend’s shoulders, saying “If you loved her, you wouldn’t have problems signing a lease for her.” This gave me two people to be angry at instead of just one, because The Guy I Am Currently Dating was initially quite reluctant to try taking over my roommate’s lease. On one hand, I understand…he has a mortgage and a lot of responsibilities, and much about our relationship is uncertain. On the other, more emotional hand, I feel I deserve some consideration for both of these guys I’ve done a great deal for in many ways.

Fast forwarding through the drama, my roommate got a brush-up on the legal process, and realised he needed to give me 60 days notice. A few days ago, he told me that he gave the apartment his 60 day notice and I was free to stay here until then, or move out, or have someone take over the lease for me until it runs out, but that he had a job offer somewhere near his parents and was moving out in two weeks. He gave his two weeks’ notice at work, who told him to clear out immediately..so, really, he doesn’t even need two weeks.

In the end, The Guy I Am Currently Dating agreed to attempt to get the lease transferred over to him so I could continue to have a place to live. (due to some personal issues, it’s going to be difficult for me to find a place in my own name, and will require much more notice, time, money, and ability to fix problems than an 8-week window provides..even if I were in good health, which I still am not. Should this plan fail, I am very, very screwed, as I have a dog, enough personal possessions to fill a 1.5 bedroom apartment, and would have no idea what plan B is. At this point, I am just praying plan A is successful. Plan B is to hope some more.

That might have made me feel happier and more relieved about the chaotic mess that is my life, were it not for the fact that The Guy I Am Currently Dating has a mother, and she called to lecture/scream/threaten/put me down for about two hours. It started out by the disrespect I show by wearing perfume in her car, and went on from there. Someone asked on Facebook, “Why doesn’t she like you?”, and I have a fairly extensive list that answers that question.

“She says I’m rude and disrespectful. a gold digging whore, I’m not independent, I rely on him too much, I’m too young for him, I make him go out of the hose when she should be with her, how he needs a woman who can cook, clean, and take care of him, how I never shut up, I talk when people are eating, I wear perfume, have boobs like Dolly Parton and an ass like J-Lo, am as nurtuting as Casey Anthony, I’m narcissistic, and she doesn’t want her son throwing away the best years of his life on me. Oh, and I’m cheating on him. Also, he only dates me because he’s not confident enough to approach pretty women and will settle for what he can get. And our age difference is “sickening” to her, as is the fact that I’m always out hosting events and doing things, when I have no manners or ettiquette, and the only people who would like me are people who are also trashy pieces of shit. And the fact that I’m friends with my ex-boyfriends and have some that are still in my life is evidence I don’t love him, and he’s supposedly told her she doesn’t love me and I was just a short-term thing, and so unimportant that he didn’t mention me to her for months.”

So, yeah, that’s why. She then proceeded to leave messages on my phone where she threatened to take out warrants on both me and her son for “elder abuse” (she’s apparently confused “abuse” with “Why didn’t I get my way?”), repeated her claims about me being a gold-digging whore (I’m apparently really bad at that, because at least three of my ex-boyfriends are of the sort that would attract gold diggers, and I’m not dating any of them.), a piece of trash who was absolutely nothing and worthless, and how I need to leave the state now. Someone needs to inform her the thing that goes along with having kids is that they grow up. Then they leave you, because that’s what they’re supposed to do. You’re not raising companions, dogs, or replacements for spouses that leave or pass away. You raise children so they can be strong and good human beings that then move away and have their own lives. The fact that I would look at it this way is what makes me a horrible person who wants her dead.

I played the messages for a number of friends, who, as with messages in the past I’ve shared, seemed shocked and appalled on behalf…you know, as if I didn’t really deserve that kind of treatment. Maybe, just maybe, I actually don’t.

Ironically, before this happened, I asked The Guy I Am Currently Dating if he’d ever be free to have a normal adult relationship with me, the kind where people eventually live together or get married or whatever, and he said “I don’t know”. That’s fair and honest, but told him equally honestly that if we were only going to be together on a part-time basis indefinitely that we should either just end things now because it’s only going to get increasingly more difficult, or agree that we have two separate lives that connect *sometimes*, but not always…in which case, I believe we should agree to have an open relationship.

I know he does not want either of these options. But as much as I care about him…the way the situation is now is contributing to the anxiety in my life is not something I can, or should, accept. It is literally killing me to have someone treat me this way for what’s not the first, third, or even 7th time. It is taking an emotional and physical toll on me to have a relationship that I don’t understand and can’t control, and requires me to kind of put certain things about myself, and who I fundamentally am, want to be, and like to do, to the side. As soon as I found the right words to speak to him about these things and expressed that I needed to have a sense of independence in my life in addition to our relationship in order to be happy, and we communicated in a way that didn’t end in fighting or someone walking out…this happened. It’s as if a force in the Universe is trying very hard to separate us, and I don’t think his mother has that much pull with the Universe. (for all her claims about how intuitive and sensitive she is, and how I am neither of those things…which is just laughable…she has a complete inability to see or understand anything about my personality or my character. Perhaps some people judge too ferociously to even see who they’re dealing with.)

On the other hand, I see a desperate and sad woman who will stop at nothing to get rid of me because she believes her son’s place is at home with her until the end of her days…even at the expense of his happiness, and denying him the opportunity to find the type of love and home she found with someone in her life. She said “I at least deserve to have him be with someone I can stand, and I wish he would spend his time looking for other girls when he’s not with you, because there are so many better.” Yet, the reality is, no adult woman without severe emotional problems would put up with this, and there is nobody she will like, because what she wants is someone who wants to see him one day a week and lets him hang out with her the rest of the time.

I am not so fueled by hatred that I can’t intuitively understand what’s going on. She really will stop at nothing to end our relationship, not only because she hates everything I am—which challenges her by being the opposite of her in nearly every way—, but because she is that scared of being alone.

And I don’t know if even the most perfect relationship, even people who know they belong together no matter what, can survive that kind of destructive and irrational interference.

So, that’s what I’ve been dealing with…it seems like a whole lot of changes are on the horizon, and they don’t seem the kind that are about happy, stable, secure things for me. I honestly just don’t know what’s going to happen with anyone..or anything…and that’s the opposite of what I need right now, in order to emotionally and physically heal from the trauma of my illness this summer, and the medication and rehabilitation that’s necessary to accomplish that.

Of course, as I mentioned earlier in the week, in between all of these things, I also made room in my schedule for the experience of meeting a friend who’s been floating around my Universe for about 8 years…yet, we’d never before met. In fact, we weren’t even always friends. Even in the calmest of times, that’s a weird and surreal experience, and one that’s some sort of adventure waiting to happen.

We did in fact meet, and had a larger window of opportunity to get to know one another than planned…but I’ll share that story in the next journal update. In the meantime, please keep your fingers crossed for me not having 60 days until ending up on the street.

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