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The Saga Of Independent Alayna: Day One

So, as it turns out, the new and improved Independent Alayna made it about 12 hours before starting to feel bored and depressed that nobody else was around.

I woke up in a very light-hearted and free-spirited kind of mood, but as the day wore on, I started to develop a migraine. Despite all the usual remedies…a little extra Valium, caffeine, Advil, rest, vodka..it’s a feeling that seems to want to hang around.

More than that, though, I started to feel depressed. I started to feel alone and significantly bummed out about a number of situations, and as if maybe people in my world don’t necessarily care as much as I think they do…or as much as I’d like them to. I started to feel frustrated about my roommate, who was supposed to leave town today and made The Guy I Am Currently Dating and I rearrange our schedules to do so, and is now hanging out at the house of some random chick he started sleeping with two days ago. Meanwhile, he doesn’t have money to give me the money he owes me until Friday…when he may or may not be here, and may or may not pay the bills to even the score as he promised…but he’s driving back and forth to Austell.

He left the apartment an absolute mess, after packing some kitchen things in his boxes that were mine and forcing me to go through the uncomfortable situation of asking for them back, and half of his stuff is still here, strewn about in his room and boxes in the living room. Even though he technically doesn’t live here anymore, he never cleaned out his stuff and asked for a key to come back and get it. The deal was that he was coming back at 12 today.

When I contacted him, he informed me that “Plans changed”, and the random girl was using his car now. It’s nice that plans change and nobody bothers to contact me…but meanwhile, I have to rearrange my plans for the scheduling whims of others, and missed an event I really wanted to attend tonight. He has not told me when he plans to come back and clean up his stuff, move it out, clean his room to make it suitable for use, or give me back my key. I don’t know if I can trust him to pay what he’s promised to pay on Friday, which puts me in a bad situation.

He’s not even here, and he’s still stressing me out, and the gigantic weather change means that I was attacked by a killer migraine.

On top of it, I’m in that frame of mind where I feel neglected and unloved and like there’s some complex emotional stuff going on inside—you know, the kind that makes you want to go out partying all night and then drunk dial your ex, for no apparent reason—that I don’t really understand. Life isn’t that complex. Yes, there are some complex situations that present themselves, but in the end, they are what they are. They work out or they don’t. I can’t put myself through emotional upheaval because waiting to see how everything works out drives me insane. Worrying about whether or not my roommate will take care of things isn’t going to make him the kind of person I can just trust to take care of things. Thinking about how complicated my life and relationship and friendships and feelings are doesn’t make them simple. Life just kind of is what it is, and I know that.

But, somehow, after 12 hours alone, a restlessness has set in that’s made me sad and worried and emotional and disappointed and every emotion that exists. This is not unusual. I explained this phenomenon to a friend recently when I told him that my Meyers-Briggs personality test pegged me as above-average in extravertedness, but with a tendency to need time for introverted thought and activities.

Apparently, sometimes, 12 hours is enough….because I just realised that I’m all alone, and I’m going to be all alone again for the foreseeable future.

I’m going to remember how to live alone and enjoy my space, and I suspect that will mean making some new friends and seeking out new experiences and finding ways not to be in this apartment 24 hours a day.

I am more in adventure mode than in rest mode, or introverted mode, or chilling-out mode, or work mode…and that’s terribly inconvenient.

Independent Alayna could use some tweaking.

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