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I Am Not Sorry….

“Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’
It didn’t slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Look, I’m still around….”

—-Pink,“Fucking Perfect”

This week, Gala put up an excellent post on her blog, for people who are following her Radical Self-Love Boot Camp and keeping journals meant to help unleash the beauty within. While I think this is a fantastic idea, I personally don’t really have time for any other projects in my life, and I also think people might be kind of scared if I unleash any more radical self-love on the Universe. (I recently ended an e-mail to a friend by saying, “There are plenty of people in this world who happen to think I’m a fucking awesome human being, and I’m really sorry you’re not one of them.” *laughs* If that’s not self-love, I don’t know what is.)

(P.S. I think the aforementioned friend secretly is one of them. :P )

Anyhow, she put out a wonderful exercise called “I Am Not Sorry”, where people are meant to list in their private journals all the colourful, unconventional, weird, brash, bold, unique, unexpected, offensive things they’re just not sorry for being. Since I put my private journal out in public, for the most part, I thought I’d give myself a much-needed boost by sharing my list with you.

* I am not sorry that I talk too much, that the pitch of my voice bothers you, that I’m not friendly enough to want to talk to everyone the same amount, that I monopolise conversations, that I’m enthusiastic about life, that I can project across a crowded room when necessary (and even when not.)
* I am not sorry that my viewpoints and lifestyle choices and past decisions don’t make sense with your view of the Universe. People can make mistakes and be a good person. People can make unconventional choices and still be deserving of love. I am not sorry when you judge me, because that’s your baggage, and not mine.
* I am not sorry that I have a strong personality that commands attention. Maybe you don’t like that. Maybe you resent that. Maybe you envy that. Maybe you’re secretly in love with that, so pretend to despise that. I’m pretty happy challenging your perceptions of how you think people should be.
*I am not sorry that everything about me is a little too much, and that you don’t like my bright hair, my quirky fashion sense, my perfume, my sensitivity, my need to be reminded from time to time that I am loved and admired. I am not sorry for not blending in.
*I am not sorry I feel too much, too often, too quickly, and I almost always express it. I am sorry if it hurts other people or makes them feel badly, but not sorry for the intensity that accompanies my emotions and how I experience the world.
*I am not sorry for not being particularly well-wired to be a monogamous individual. It isn’t because I don’t know how to love or have a fickle heart, it’s simply that my heart and my mind look at the world in a different way. I believe in multiple soulmates, unrequited crushes, requited infatuations, complicated friendships, lifelong relationships, and all the fantastic people life puts in my path. I am not sorry for thinking the ideal relationships open you up to life instead of place limitations around you. I am sorry when the way I see the world inadvertently hurts others or causes them to feel unloved.
*I am not sorry for my bad poetry and emotionally vulnerable blog posts, and the way I put myself out there when others don’t. I am more sorry that I don’t meet people who do those things more often, more freely, and more naturally than I do .
*I am not sorry for loving bright makeup, glitter, accessories, all things shiny and funky and retro, and for not wearing jeans. I am not sorry for the odd, unconventional figure that some people choose to judge, and is in no way perfect, but I’m learning to love again.
*I am not sorry for being chaotic, messy, creative, thinking and talking a mile a minute, coming off as self-absorbed or narcissistic, and creating a whirlwind around me whether I mean to or not. I understand why some people don’t want to be a part of that, but it secretly hurts when they don’t.
*I am not sorry that I put myself out there openly and honestly and in a way that may shock people, or inspire rejection or judgment. If you believe something, say it. If you feel something, tell someone. If you want something, ask. If someone is important to you, let them know. Life is too short otherwise.
*I am not sorry that you look at me and see a list of things I should be sorry for. I look at me and see all the parts of a person that’s fucking awesome, along with a few parts of a person that could use some improvement. But I am not sorry for being me. If you’re waiting for that, waiting for me to conform, waiting for me to me more like you imagine I should be, waiting for me to be more like you, it’s never going to happen.

I am spirited, intelligent, strong, extraordinary, charismatic, lovely, and worthy of admiration. I am not sorry, and you shouldn’t be, either.

And I’ll leave you with this, on that note.

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