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An Open Letter To My Intuition…

Dear Intuition,

You and I have been great friends for some time now, and for the most part, I have absolutely no complaints. In fact, you’ve been a better friend to me than virtually anyone I’ve ever known, and clearly have better judgment than I myself do. You’ve kept me out of some sticky situations; told me when to cross the street because the shady-looking guy was a mugger, got me out of NYC a day before September 11th happened, knew I should leave my apartment building even though the firemen said it was safe to stay, knew when a multitude of boyfriends were cheating on me or secretly had feelings for someone else, and even knew where to find the evidence to prove it. Even at my most reckless, you’ve kept me from getting into cars with psychopaths or having unpleasant encounters while intoxicated with people who turned out to be cops. You warn me about natural disasters and impending emotional distress by sending me into a tailspin for no apparent reason, which always turns out to be bad news that someone else knew about, and was hiding from me. You even tell me when someone is mad at me just by the way they say “Hello”, although it would be more useful if you’d tell me why.

I have a great level of trust in you, and that’s not something I deliver freely. I appreciate that you send me dreams warning me about dangerous situations, visions that are brief glimpses into the future (even if they rarely make sense), and let me know when a place feels “weird”, I should go a different way. It is because of you that I am alive and relatively happy today.

That being said, I’ve had to begin to doubt some of the messages you’re sending me lately. You’ve spent most of 2012 sending me weird and contradictory signals about life. You’ve let significant things pop up in my life that genuinely surprised me and sent me on an emotional rollercoaster, because I was not adequately prepared for them. You’ve brought people into my life that have changed my world for the better, but at the same time, did not give me the heads-up on the complex situations that might come along with these new friendships. You’ve allowed me to behave in an extremely presumptuous way when it comes to how others really feel about me or view me. In some cases, it’s clear you’ve totally misread situations and people, causing great embarrassment on my part. You even caused me to have a future dream that turned out to be wrong…or at least, not specific enough in detail.

Sometimes, it seems you’re encouraging me to make choices that may affect people other than myself, and to take a different path in my life that involves changes. I don’t know if these choices are truly in my best interest, because, let’s face it, you haven’t exactly helped me see the world around me, other people, and my own emotions as clearly as you usually do.

I know that you’re a perfectionist, and you’re going to say you’re not wrong. You’re going to say it’s not your fault if you’re sending me messages that confuse me or I don’t want to hear. You’re going to remind me that trusting my instincts is how I’ve always lived my life, and everything happens for a reason, and I’ve spent too long in a comfort zone that hasn’t helped me to be happier or move forward in my life, so you’re going to be kind of harsh and aggressive with tossing stuff at me.

I get this. I know you’re very good at what you do. You score impressively well on standardized tests.

It’s just that, well, I’ve been wondering if you’ve been slacking a little. If I’m wrong, please let me know. I’ll try to listen more closely. Maybe things are getting lost in translation. Maybe it really isn’t you, it’s just me. I’ve been saying that to people rather often lately.

All things considered, though, it would have been incredibly awesome if you let me know I had 18 assignments due tomorrow instead of the 6 my e-mail told me I had. Instead, I spent the day working on my own unimportant creative projects, when I could have been hard at work. You know as well as I do that we definitely need the money these days.

I’d really like to work to fix the breakdown in our communication. We’ve been really close for a really long time, and I value your advice. You’re a major part of my life. However, if you could help me stay on top of work a little bit more efficiently, keep me from repeatedly ending up in situations where I develop personal feelings for unavailable or disinterested people, and make it clear *why* someone is acting differently before I assume I made some huge blunder and have to apologise, I’d be hugely grateful.

Also, if you could please stop sending me dreams about cake, bread, and bakeries, that would be helpful. I really want more carbs than we’re allowed to have, too. However, it is likely we’ll experience less personal rejection and critical comments in the future if we eat fewer carbs. I think you know this.

I’m starting to think you’re screwing around with me on purpose as punishment for making you watch “The Real Housewives Of Atlanta”.

*~ Alayna

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