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Why The Universe Thinks I Suck….

In the past two weeks, I’ve had people have problems with me because I’m disorganized, I don’t manage life with common sense, I’m oversensitive, I’m overly communicative, I text too often, I keep my apartment too cold, I don’t take good pictures, I have a tendency to talk over others sometimes, I don’t trust people enough,I go off on tangents, I lose things, I’m too demanding with my friendships, I don’t have the cash I need to pay the excessive bills I have, my apartment is always a mess and I don’t remember to call my parents.

Also, in April I learned: I make other people feel used, unappreciated, am overly direct (aka: rude), I’m not pretty or independent enough for anyone to find me attractive, am fat and trashy, and may or may not be a gold-digging whore. And I’m not fun because I’m too sick to go places. And I lack subtlety, and people don’t always find me as attractive and endearing as I think they do. I think that’s a total recap of my list of personal flaws. Looking at the larger picture, I don’t think that *I* am the reason I have self-esteem issues.

At some point, I’d love to start getting feedback from the Universe where people remind me what they like about me. It seems like every other day, someone is giving me “constructive criticism” about all the things that are deficient about my personality, my appearance, and my life choices…and I really am at the point where I’m tired of being the punching bag for the Universe. If you don’t want to be my friend because there’s things you don’t like about me, fine. If you don’t find me attractive for one reason or another, cool. I’ll undoubtedly live. If you spend more time criticising me and giving me the silent treatment and noting how crappy my communication skills and personality make you feel that enjoying my company, it sucks, but we’re probably not right for each other.

I just really don’t need this constant string of “Hey, Alayna, here’s why you suck” in my life. I am dealing with enough…if people don’t like me, it’s kind of their loss. If people don’t want to be in a relationship with me because it makes them feel the opposite of happy, or think I’m not good enough, or subject me to listening to why other people don’t think I’m good enough…well, that sucks, but you only live once. Find the person who makes you happy. Every single person out there is happier without criticism and communication problems every time you see one another.

I’d like to think there are people out there somewhere who like me for who I am, the way I am. In fact, I’d like to think there are people out there who think I’m fucking awesome, and would love for me to send them too many text messages or invite them over to my messy,icebox apartment, and appreciate that I’m emotional, direct with my feelings, and don’t think or act like everyone else. Then again, I’m an idealist and don’t see things realistically and make impulsive choices, so probably not.

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