Dreamlike Nymph

If the world of dreams truly is an interesting look into a person’s subconscious, a way to explore one’s deeper self, I’m a case study any Freudian would love. My dreams are so vibrant and real that they’re often a second life—or, since there’s a video game that’s already claimed title to that one—a third life. They run the gamut from realistic dreams that seem no different from anything that could happen to me in everyday life, often leaving me confused and disoriented when I realise those things didn’t happen, to fantastic, movie-quality scenarios complete with plots and well-developed characters (I once dreamed up an entire movie where a companion and I were forced to hide and then flee from Nazis that were pursuing us, all within a maze of an industrial-looking building.). I’ve dreamed up Law & Order episodes from beginning to end, as if I were watching them on television. Sometimes, I am a character in both sorts of dreams. Sometimes, I’m an observer, the omniscient third party watching or telling the story. I’ve had multiple dreams where I see/experience my own death, only from the third-person perspective, so that waking up upon dying (as happens in most death-related dreams) doesn’t always happen, allowing me a glimpse of this “after death” world. The thing I’ve taken away from these dreams is that death is not painful or scary; the moment when it occurs, my death in the dream world, I feel a sense of numbness, of everything draining from me, followed by a sense of lightness and non-being.

Again, a more spiritual or psychologically-intuitive person would probably have much to say about that.

Sometimes, DreamLand is populated by people I know, and the emotional attachments and feelings I have toward them reflected by my dreams. Other times, particularly when the story does not involve me, my dreams are populated by people and places I don’t know. This led to a period of me believing I had “psychic dreams”, as I’ve had a number of dreams involving scary and unfamiliar scenarios which then happen within a day or two of the dream. My earliest remembrance of a “psychic dream” was as an adolescent, dreaming about being stuck on an amusement park ride that wouldn’t stop…it just kept going faster and faster until it crashed. The next afternoon, a mishap happened at an area amusement park where a rollercoaster malfunctioned, killing 13 people and shutting down the park temporarily.

One thing that bothers me is that I will often have dreams about those with whom I have personal relationships, and it’s difficult for me to tell the difference between what is some form of intuition or future-prediction, and what is simply a reflection of my subconscious. I can clearly recall sleeping next to an ex-boyfriend, and every single time, I’d have a dream in which he’d cheat on me or betray my trust. In reality, he was doing exactly that, many times, though my conscious self didn’t discover it until months later. I also had a recurring dream when living with another ex-boyfriend, in which we were not together, but I could see his life with another girl, a person I’d never met, but I could describe in exacting detail. I’d jokingly told him my mind had found his perfect woman, because every time, she was the same person. After we broke up, he sent me a message telling me he’d met someone, and the odd thing about that was the resemblance to the girl in my dreams when we were together.

I often have dreams in which the Guy I Am Currently Dating and I experience some sort of discord. This is almost always based upon him blatantly ignoring me, physically walking away from me, or abandoning me for someone else. It makes sense that, on a subconscious level, this is a concern of mine. He is the type of person who hides his feelings rather than engage in conflict, is often busy with a number of obligations, and with whom I have a special connection, but frequently question whether or not it is that “soulmate” thing my idealistic self searches for. (although my rational self does not believe in, and hence the belief that I am essentially a non-monogamous person, always in need of a different person to fulfill different pieces of human connection that are dear to me.) I have had these dreams, of being painfully ignored or abandoned in different scenarios, almost since the start of our relationship.

Last night, I had a dream in which we were at an event, filled with people. There was a lovely woman in a long white dress—a person who does in fact exist—who was speaking at the event. I had completed something I had to do, when I spotted The Guy I Am Currently Dating talking to this woman. I went over to approach them, and they hurriedly rushed away together, pretending not to see or hear me, although I know they did.

In my dream, I followed them, and eventually found them, lying on a secluded grassy hill, talking to one another in that close but not necessarily physical way that people share when they are not yet lovers, or have a past history that’s difficult to avoid. Despite the fact that all they were doing was talking, the intimacy of their body language upset me, and I confronted them.

The Guy I Am Currently Dating looked guilty, and said nothing, while the woman accused me of overreacting, being irrational and crazy. I remember telling her, “Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you guys, but you can have him, because I deserve better”. When she insisted that she didn’t know what I was talking about and nothing was going on, I said, “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, and I’m so sick of the way he talks about you, like you’re this perfect ideal woman that can do no wrong. Whether you see it or not, I deserve someone who looks at ME that way, who talks about ME that way. I’m so tired of not being as perfect as you.”

I walked away, and neither of them followed me, confirming, in my mind, that what I said was the truth.

The woman in the dream is a real person, although not one that either I or The Guy I Am Currently Dating have regular contact with. She is pretty, extremely intelligent, and has a number of interests and a general self-sufficiency that make her a very attractive person. In the past, The Guy I Am Currently Dating has admitted to having a crush on her, and it has, on numerous occasions, irritated the hell out of me that whenever he discusses her or anything she’s done, it’s in terms of the-brilliant-loveable-person-who-can-do-no-wrong….whereas I often feel that things I do are taken for granted, or simply not understood or appreciated.

This dream confuses me, because I don’t know if it’s about simple jealousy, or about a petulant “You’re not my soulmate, and you don’t understand me or admire me in the way I need” outburst. Lately, I’ve been struggling a little more than usual with my committment to permanently embracing a monogamous lifestyle, particularly after a long conversation with a poly-oriented person with whom I significantly connected in the past, and who does understand the struggle of not being able to find everything you need from others within one person, but not being able to cultivate other relationships for fear of crossing boundaries.

Yet, in my dream, I was not willing to allow The Guy I Am Currently Dating to cultivate a relationship with someone who might be closer to his ideal mate in certain ways, and was upset by his attempts to do that, even on a spiritual or intellectual level. This tells me I am both expecting and offering monogamy in our relationship, even if I fear it is selfish and may make us both less happy.

Or, it was just a dream about something random where my boyfriend pissed me off. As I’ve said, it’s hard to tell which dreams are meaningful, and which are just there to add drama and entertainment to my life. :P